Sitting here at my computer screen needing to communicate something. Wanting to communicate but find I'm getting lost in the words that I want to flow across this screen. They are all there flowing in rapid winds of emotion. So i just start typing, trying not to think of those words. Trying to not interfere or interact with them. I want the words to flow in honest threads across the light of my screen. i know if I intrude to deeply ill shift them around unintentionally.The minute I focus on them. The minute I try to read them I will reshape the emotion behind them. I will write the words, I will write them exactly as they are seen but underneath them will be the emotion and because I chose to engage the emotion will change from raw honesty to a well done play more pleasing and comfortable to the ego.. I know it is a unique blend of conscious and sub conscious interference. That it is a knee jerk reaction to protect my "self" to protect the most tender part of what make me who I am and what we all have in common The Ego.
So let me wonder on over to the ego. our self,with a lower case "s", is our ego. Its the clear separation from the biological aspect of being humane, the mechanics so to speak. It is the first and main aspect of the ego most of us project to the world around us. It is the tool of survival from one given situation to another. In many school of thoughts there is the big "Self" and the little "self". To be very honest its usually at this point my mind wonders over to funny Austin powers images of "Me and mini Me". My first thoughts are how goofy it is to break ones ego down by a lower case "s" to an upper case "S". However its also brilliant in its simplicity.
Every word every gesture every choice we make is merely a projection of our ego that produces an end result that is pleasing to ourselves. It is the thread that holds together the complex pattern our ego develops in order to keep any disturbance out. Actual truth has no place in our patterns. Truth is the ultimate disturbance most of us can not handle. So as I am typing I am also trying to develop a better understanding of the importance of "passive awareness". Being the witness of not only my thoughts but also the world around me without interfering. Trying to see whats really behind those words,gestures,choices etc.. This brings me immediately to "Words".... Just a random thought. As I am writing this some of you will read it and only see improper grammar spelling errors etc . I suck at spelling, I have no idea the purpose of a semi colon or when or where its supposed to be used and in truth I don't care and don't see this as a reflection of my intelligence but often I find myself caring a great deal about these things because in truth my ego on some level needs the recognition of "My intelligence" reiterate by strangers. Getting critiqued on proper grammar is uncomfortable and for me is attached somehow to the validity of my intelligence. I have put an aspect of my self worth in the hands of complete strangers.This though is in conflict with the strongest part of who I am. So i write this to reiterate to myself not to be distracted by being proper so to speak for the sake of others because I am not writing this for them.
Getting back on the topic of "words"..
"To any expression of a disturbing idea we turn a deaf ear, and especially in matters that are profound, religious, that have significance in life, we are apt to listen very superficially. If we hear at all, it is merely the words, not the content of the words, because most of us do not want to be disturbed. Most of us want to carry on in our old ways because to alter, to bring about a change, means disturbance: disturbance in our daily life, disturbance in our family, disturbance between wife and husband, between ourselves and society"
~J.Krishnamurti~
I read this one day and thought very deeply on it. How often do we listen to the content of the words spoken to us? Not often if we were to be very honest. Words are the bridge to the emotional content flowing underneath. I find myself often focusing more on the word to describe or define my emotion and in doing so the truth of the emotion is lost and whats produced instead is a repeated pattern keeping the fabric of my ego intact. Allowing only a tiny sliver of the real emotion to be realized. So I ask myself how many times I have said to someone " you don't even listen to me" or "you don't even care enough to listen". well how can they when I am not truly communicating the truth of my emotions but at the same time expect another to see,feel and hear that truth in the words and body language I've chosen to express them?
I am going to end here for now as this isnt the kind of blog that can be written in one shot. However I welcome any to add to it. to express their interpretation ,thoughts ,perspectives ect . I welcome all to help me finish this blog . Frankly I am sick of politics, I am sick of religious debates I am sick of who is pro choice and who is pro life. I am sick of the second amendment and the many interpretations of it. I am sick of having built relationships with people that in truth are based only on surface social issues but never actually getting to know the person underneath those social topics. they have become to me to serve only as a safety net to digging a little bit deeper.....
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