Love of my life why do you irritate me so!?

 
 Love of my life why do you irritate me so? Why do you insist on going grocery shopping with me? On a normal shopping excursion I go alone to avoid unnecessary irritation,public beatings,shopping cart assaults and the sudden urge to publicly bellow out a plethora of obscenities every time I hear the phrases "can I get this" or "are we done yet". I also go alone to limit over spending as much as I can considering you and the 3 heathens living in the room next door insist on testing not only the limitations of my patience but of your stomachs as well. Which leads me to the rest of the reason I go alone and late at night at that.
 
 We do all of our grocery shopping at Walhell/walmart which by reason of that stores very nature is right on par with oral surgery. If I go by myself and at night this guarantees a swift departure,no public displays that may involve DCF in the near future, as well as the groceries making it from the car to the fridge. I mean for fucks sake can you guys wait till the food gets in the house! Can I at least once admire full cabinets and the fruit of my labor during daylight hours! I thought I gave birth to three little people not Hoovers!  Do you people even know how tedious it is having to time leaving to coincide with bedtime to avoid the inevitable "I wanna go! why can't I go! please please please!Can I go please!!!".

 Grocery shopping is literally an event that should not be taken lightly considering I'm feeding 2 tweens, a teenager, a grown man and fighting through the mass of families that apparently haven't figured out leaving their heathens at home will not only be appreciated by them but equally if not more appreciated by the rest of us. It helps alleviate all that unnecessary aisle traffic you have to squeeze and force your body through just to get to the mac and cheese. Because of the potential of a nervous breakdown it has turned into a step process that seems to be working for the most part in keeping my sanity in tacked and my flip flops on my feet instead of someones rear end.
                                     
                 Step one: go to medicine cabinet
                 Step two: take three Tylenol
                 Step four: take 2 Xanax
                 Step five: pack extras in purse
                 Step six: tip toe out of bathroom sneak out back door.

This step must be done with caution. The heathens have selective bat like hearing. Just a little jingle of the keys brings them out of a deep sleep triggering a gruesome stampede and a fight to the finish line where winner takes all. All being my sanity and the contents of my wallet.  
       
Now maybe I dipped into that medicine cabinet prematurely that night because for the life of me I can't understand why in the hell I let you go with me.  Now never,and I mean never have you ever shown any signs or promise at being thrifty. But alas in an effort to impress me you decided to give it a go.
So here we are shopping away leaving the cereal isle heading over to frozen foods when I realize I lost you. I only came to this realization when I noticed other shoppers staring at me for what must have appeared to them as some crazy lady asking her imaginary friend if we needed milk. So with gritted teeth I turn the cart around back to the cereal and there you are. A bag of cereal in one hand, boxed cereal in the other starring intently back and fourth.

You-"baby you think the bag of cereal is a better deal?"
Me-"doesn't matter pick one and move on"
You-" yeah but which is better?"
Me-" just pick one its almost midnight"
You-"yeah but what's a better deal?"
Me (after five minutes watching you painfully decide) " are you fucking serious! Its not a test Shawn, there not going to quiz you at check out! put the damn cereal in the cart!"

Moving on to frozen foods. I wheel on up to the hot pockets.

  Me-"Shawn you want any hot pockets?"
  You-"um no. I don't eat anything you need to cook in the microwave. Its nasty the food is hard in some places mushy in others."

Allllrigghty then! Moving right along out of frozen foods.
 
Me-"Shawn can you grab some butter. Shawn? Shawn?"

I turn around and guess what..NO SHAWN! Back to frozen foods I go. Surprise surprise! Found you at the other end of the aisle crouched down with a box in hand,intent look on your face mixed with confusion. Me standing at the other end with a look of irritation also mixed with confusion. I'm thinking wtf!? What's taking so long?! I came grabbed my damn box of hot pockets and threw that shit in the cart with Olympic gold medal precision and moved on to the next event! Now what the hell is he doing?!

 You-"baby you think this pork sandwich is any good?"

You read the box,flipped it up and down,read the box again, intently studied the cooking directions. Directions I may add called for a microwave but no no!! you kept searching for the possible oven bake instructions for a whole 5 MINUTES! then decided hmm maybe just maybe...

  Me-"um you mean the one you have to microwave to cook? Let me say it again, the one you have to MICROWAVE to EAT!"


Yes I felt somewhat bad at the pained look in your face as I bellowed your frozen food purchasing habits through out the store.Or when I pretended to not know you when you were hollering " baby look! I didn't know they had jalapenos combos!" and you danced around a bit in your excitement. And yes I felt bad telling the check out lady I was your "care taker" and I appreciated her patience.

With all that being said , I do love you dearly as long as you stay home with the heathens when I go shopping...  ;)