NAILED IT!!

   Hello all , today I was sitting pondering my mornings. The reason being is my wonderful therapist says "I have no routine, get a routine going".  Now I'll remind you all I have 3 heathen boys. Heathen 1 is 9, heathen  2 is 11 and heathen 3 is 16. I do take into great consideration that my therapist is like 26.No children, never been married.. at the time of her suggestion I'm sitting there nodding my head like one of those car bobbling things people put on there dash board;I cant for the life of me understand why they think those things are cool or cute there fucking creepy looking. Anyways so here I am now a nodaholic while nut doc is telling me how I can use charts and have a reward goal board and by the time the session is over I'm energized and ready to get me and the heathens on a schedule!!

Yep that pretty much explains it all

Now about half way to work I'm thinking of this great "charting" plan of nut docs and it hits me. WTF! we have a routine Damn it!! Where the fuck am I going to find time to organize and make a behavior chart, a chore chart, a consequence chart, a lets add more shit to your day chart and lets not forget the reward board which really equates to paying and or bribing your kid to behave. Which I might add I do often since public beatings are now frowned upon.

It says most societies not all...heheheh

I'm lucky if I have time to piss undisturbed now I'm supposed to make time to chart behavior ! what ever happened to a good old fashion harmless ass whooping we all got when were were young? I don't recall my mother having a chart. I do however recall her having a shoe,wooden spoon, a ruler and several other implements within reach that clearly left no room to bullshit our way out of what we already knew deserved nothing less then an ass whooping. Yes even at 9 we clearly understood. Why did we understand,because the ass whooping we got made sure we understood.we were left with two choices try and be slicker at our antics and risk the beating or cut the shit because the ability to sit down became more appealing. I promise you any ass whooping me and my siblings received was rightfully deserved.

Now I understand some off you may be morally offended. You are either A. childless B. have only 1 child or C. New parents gooing and gagaing over your little bundle of joy. I promise you by the time they hit 5 "bundle of joy" will not be the words running through your head when JR. there throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store over that god damn giant gumball machine!! By the people who made those and put those in places like grocery stores are fucking sadists that need a flogging or two right along with JR there screeching on the floor like a banshee ..anyways I'm veering off topic here ... back to my schedule nut-doc thought I didn't have .

You know you have been there denial is a fickle mistress muahhah

    Since charts and reward jars and stars and what gay ass nonsense you need to buy in order to "appropriately schedule your day with your little beasts ,oh and I cant forget to mention the 'time out" stop light" Have you people seen those?! its a 50 to $100 stop light to let your kid know when time out is over?? A FUCKING STOP LIGHT PEOPLE!!  Look I promise maybe 5% of kids in the world would respond to that kind of "discipline" and those kids grow up getting their asses beat anyway in school. So go right ahead and with your charts and stop lights timers whatever. your kid is still getting an ass whooping either from you directly or indirectly in his/her near future from his peers because mom and dad used a freaking stop light  and charts.

Anyways as I said before I do have a schedule. It may be a tad unconventional but its realistic and fits me and my boys. Maybe though just for laughs ill buy that stop light just to see the look on one of the heathens faces when I explain once the light hits green dear you can go and I hope you learned something watching the lights go from red to green.. {insert sarcasm here]  anyways here is my schedule for the time being. It changes from time to time depending on how the heathens are trending at the moment.

• alarm goes off at 5:30 am
• 5:35 heathen 3 hits snooze
• heathens 3 and 2 start stirring at 5:45
• 6:00 heathen 1 is up making some weird ogre sound. I'm  making coffee, brain is not quite awake
• 6:15 Heathen 1 is in the bathroom I'm still making my coffee brain still isn't quite on yet. 
• 6:20,Now this is when the morning really starts! the morning skinny jean war begins!

Now I'm gonna pause here a bit and tell you the details of this morning ritual between heathen 3 and 2

6:30 :heathen 2 blasts through bedroom door flying into kitchen: " MOOOOOOM" "MOOOOM"
6:35 brain is awake now.
6:36 heathen 3 comes flying out right behind heathen 2  pissed." Mom hes not wearing my skinny jeans there mine and i said no so then he pushed me and then I hit him back and then he tried choking me and those are my skinny jeans! and then he threw my book bag and those are MY skinny jeans!"

oohh how true it is

Heathen 2; " no no no no let me tell you what happened he said I could wear them if he could wear my shoes and then I said no you made a deal"..

Heathen 3;"No your a liar! there my skinny jeans and you pushed me and making faces at me so now your not wearing them cause their mine!"

Heathen 2: "you made a deal! I'm wearing them and I already have them on so try and take em off me and see what happens!"

Heathen 3: "noo you said and those are mine you have your own skinny jeans and mom those are mine so make him take them off because those are mine you know those are mine so give me my skinnies brat!"

Now at some point my mind has wondered to  how many times heathen 3 said "those are my skinny jeans "  I'm sure hes beaten yesterday mornings record...after contemplating that sipping my coffee, you people really cant think I can even interject with out at least having one cup of coffee do you?

 Trust me its to their benefit I make that cup priority.. 

OK so the am drama ,which is right on schedule continues but  now I'm ready to interject with the same response I always have as if on "schedule"

6:38:  Me; "Skylar stop making faces Cole stop screaming Skylar wears the skinny jeans Cole you wear the shoes lets go, Chop Chop"
Heathen 2 " (eye roll teeth sucking in) "you never do anything to Cole he always gets his way brat!"
Me: "um what jeans do you have on"?
Heathen 2; "The black skinny jeans"
Me ; whose are they?"
Heathen 2; Cole's!!
annnd what exactly am I missing here because the fight was over you being able to wear them right?
heathen 2; yeah but he said I couldn't!!

See heathen 2 is 11 at 11 it doesn't matter what ya give them they will have a problem with it they will complain and bitch and step on that last nerve of yours for no other reason then them being your kid. Kids, although we love them regard less, they are manipulative little blood sucking leeches and its our job to  nip this little annoying oddity out of them swiftly or suffer embarrassment  seeing Jr there on channel 2 news in 10 or so years.

6:45 heathen 3 kicks heathen 2...heathen 2 kicks him back. now neither little heathens got a good kick because the skinny jeans their wearing restricts  a tremendous amount of movement. of course I should be angry, I could interject however Its to fucking funny watching them try and fight when there legs can barely move hahaha! hey don't judge me. what I do do is get my phone out and video tape it because yes folks its that funny. so come to think of it I do have kind of a rewards chart!!

                                                         NAILED IT!!!
   
                             keep your crap up and I swear ill face book these videos every where!!

OK These aren't my kids but what a fucking brilliant idea !!

 I have been neglectful these days of my "digital life". Some of my Google friends have moved on to more reliable Google groupies while others have surprisingly picked up right where we left off  filling the Google void made from months of my disruptive absence. Its not as if I meant to go Poof into the digital horizon but Real life tends to happen people!!  Hmm Real life as opposed to a fake digital life? I think not my fellow digital dipping junkies!

These days your "real life" IS your digital and some of us can flawlessly blend digital and tangible together into one brilliant social sphere. I however can only blend fits of panic with comical OCD while trying to load the car up with either A) screaming children or B)groceries or C) Groceries ,screaming kids and if OCD and panic blend smoothly together we can forget about the possibility of leaving one in the parking lot ;Timothy that never happened in the Walmart parking lot while your father was going on about the good deal on cassette tapes he got. No I was not distracted by the fact that cassettes were already obsolete then and we didn't even have a tape deck and your father spent over 50 bucks on that crap and at the time that might as well have been a million.
       [insert foot note here because I haven't a clue how to add the little number thingy you see in books] I didn't actually leave my son in the parking lot. It was the carriage and we only pulled half way out the parking space before we noticed and it was all his FATHERS FAULT.

 I'm not very fluid with blending my "Real life" and "online life" together. I cant seem to manage both at the same time while trying to maintain some sliver of sanity so we don't have little mishaps that my son Timothy NEVER experienced. I tend to dive wholeheartedly into one or the other allowing less manic qualities to take the wheel to only one of my lives.. The minute Both worlds collide right back to manic with a sprinkle of turrets for good measure. How do you manage to manage both worlds that are so similar but completely different !?

 I've also noticed  being in relation with people online is different in the respect that you can be, in some sense, a different person or less reserved and more out going.. For example: Brent the athlete who just moved and is looking for a friend but is really bubba the redneck whose idea of being an athlete is watching jackass and reenacting it with his buddies. A creeper that weighs in at 300 lbs. Whose name is Garth  but online hes jenny the 5'6  model with a 24" waist ready to make your fantasies come true!! la la la!!!!

 I just realized by rereading what i just typed that it isn't that much different. Shit.

~Walking on my rainbow~

Walking on my rainbow

Holding holy hands

Visions of the falling leaves

                        

                                                                                   

While the sun begins to set

Butterflies they flutter on

Through space and endless time

To land upon my tender hands and be forever mine.

How open are you really willing to be?

Sitting here at my computer screen needing to communicate something. Wanting to communicate but find I'm getting lost in the words that I want to flow across this screen. They are all there flowing in rapid winds of emotion. So i just start typing, trying not to think of those words. Trying to not interfere or interact with them. I want the words to flow in honest threads across the light of my screen. i know if I intrude to deeply ill shift them around unintentionally.The minute I focus on them. The minute I  try to read them I will reshape the emotion behind them. I will write the words, I will write them exactly as they are seen but underneath them will be the emotion and because I chose to engage  the emotion will change from raw honesty to a well done play more pleasing and comfortable to the ego.. I know it is a unique blend of conscious and sub conscious interference. That it is a knee jerk reaction to protect my "self" to protect the most tender part of what make me who I am and what we all have in common The Ego.

So let me wonder on over to the ego. our self,with a lower case "s", is our ego. Its the clear separation from the biological aspect of being humane, the mechanics so to speak.  It is the first and main aspect of the ego most of us project to the world around us. It is the tool of survival from one given situation to another. In many school of thoughts there is the big "Self" and the little "self". To be very honest its usually at this point my mind wonders over to funny Austin powers images of "Me and mini Me".  My first thoughts are how goofy it is to break ones ego down by a lower case "s" to an upper case "S". However its also brilliant in its simplicity.

Every word every gesture every choice we make is merely a projection of our ego that produces an end result that is pleasing to ourselves. It is the thread that holds together the complex pattern our ego develops in order to keep any disturbance out. Actual truth has no place in our patterns. Truth is the ultimate disturbance most of us can not handle. So as I am typing I am also trying to develop a better understanding of the importance of "passive awareness". Being the witness of not only my thoughts but also the world around me without interfering. Trying to see whats really behind those words,gestures,choices etc.. This brings me immediately to "Words".... Just a random thought. As I am writing this some of you will read it and only see improper grammar spelling errors etc . I suck at spelling, I have no idea the purpose of a semi colon or when or where its supposed to be used and in truth I don't care and don't see this as a reflection of my intelligence but often I find myself caring a great deal about these things because in truth my ego on some level needs the recognition of  "My intelligence" reiterate by strangers. Getting critiqued on proper grammar is uncomfortable and for me is attached somehow to the validity of my intelligence. I have put an aspect of my self worth in the hands of complete strangers.This though is in conflict with the strongest part of who I am. So i write this to reiterate to myself not to be distracted by being proper so to speak for the sake of others because I am not writing this for them.

Getting back on the topic of "words"..

"To any expression of a disturbing idea we turn a deaf ear, and especially in matters that are profound, religious, that have significance in life, we are apt to listen very superficially. If we hear at all, it is merely the words, not the content of the words, because most of us do not want to be disturbed. Most of us want to carry on in our old ways because to alter, to bring about a change, means disturbance: disturbance in our daily life, disturbance in our family, disturbance between wife and husband, between ourselves and society"
 ~J.Krishnamurti~

I read this one day and thought very deeply on it. How often do we listen to the content of the words spoken to us? Not often if we were to be very honest. Words are the bridge to the emotional content flowing underneath. I find myself often focusing more on the word to describe or define my emotion  and in doing so the truth of the emotion is lost and whats produced instead is a repeated pattern keeping the fabric of my ego intact. Allowing only a tiny sliver of the real emotion to be realized. So I ask myself how many times I have said to someone " you don't even listen to me" or "you don't even care enough to listen". well how can they when I am not truly communicating the truth of my emotions but at the same time expect another to see,feel and hear that truth in the words and body language I've chosen to express them?

I am going to end here for now as this isnt the kind of blog that can be written in one shot. However I welcome any to add to it. to express their interpretation  ,thoughts ,perspectives ect . I welcome all to help me finish this blog . Frankly I am sick of politics, I am sick of religious debates I am sick of who is pro choice and who is pro life. I am sick of the second amendment and the many interpretations of it. I am sick of having built relationships with people that in truth are based only on surface social issues but never actually getting to know the person underneath those social topics. they have become to me to serve only as a safety net to digging a little bit deeper.....

Anonymous how do I count the ways...caution read at your own risk! there will be grammatical errors!!

Hello my lovelies... I've been pondering what to blog about lately and I've decided I’m going to blog about my new friend “anonymous”. If you’re brand new just refer to prior blog and read the comments. I was considering the tone of the comment that was left. It was obviously meant to offended and anger me. Sorry anonymous, hate to disappoint but I was having a rather bad day and reading your failed attempt to insult, criticize and appear more educated turned my day  around. Oh by the way you spelled inbreed wrong you fucking yokel.

Inbreeds ,Yokels and the Zombie Apocalypse

Hello kiddies. I've decided to blog about a little event that took place not too long ago in the town I live in. Well I really wouldn't call it a town more like a village except where villages typically display one village idiot this place decided” why not make us a whole fucking town of idiots!” The “village” consists of two gas stations. One across the street from the police station, that’s also located within the “town” park and youth center.

Sweet dreams to touch on..

Your words keep echoing in my minds dream filled sight.Dancing along the moons sweet light.Twisting and turning a feverish glow. Amber streaks pulsing from my lips to my toes. My eyes shutter tight from waked anticipation of seeing your words pour out in ribbons of inspiration. Feeling them tickle me softly to tease. Lost in those moments  make me weak in the knees. Your first verse it touches with a gentleman's grace . The second building up to an intimate pace. My eyes lost in slumber ,my soul is awake. Awaiting for the third to make my legs quake. the fourth,silk sweet dew upon my body it lays. Intimate whispers slowly making their way. By the fifth and the sixth oh how I crave your sweet kiss! With hands laid so gently at the base of my hips. The seventh it pulls me into you deep. Feeling your words penetrate the barest of me. The moment is almost to a sensual peak when last you will bring me to the edge of my seat. My back arches firmly,belly pressed to your skin,toes curling from feeling your words naked within. The last verse it conquers at a ravishing pace. Keeping me hungry for just  one more taste . I gasp and I shudder at the end of this dream. Touching you softy as you fade into me. Alas my eyes open at mornings first light wishing the hours never ran from the night. Your words kept inside me,your touch lingers . Hoping you find me so this dream can live on...

To be human

The depth of a human being either runs deep strong and clear,shallow or soft. It can trickle in slowly . A calm rolling brook with the beginnings of life budding along the way. It can flow like a water fall ,powerful and fast. an uncontrollable force of nature. The depth of a person is the river of life that makes us whole and life is the realization that it is nothing more then cause and effect, action and reaction . It is The foundation of our individuality. It is knowing without loss and failure there is no gain . Without grief there are no lessons to be learned. To know that it is the reaction and not the choice that shapes our soul.It is the reactions that feed it and determine the color of depth we hold deep inside . It is how we grow . It is simply being human. To know that beginning and endings is the constant cycle of human existence. To know that to learn to react is to feel the depth of your own soul and to be alive and truly free.

endless journey

Things just keep falling ,drifting down an endless road of deep despair. My eyes twitching ,my skin tearing about the seams to the voices from which I'm running from. the sounds ,shrill demanding, wanting , needing, forever constant, forever the same. spinning the same direction until time slips together with neither a destination or direction.my soul is forced deep into seclusion. waiting to land. waiting to stretch its limbs from one rainbow to the next.patient and limber wanting to be freed . slower I fall.  deeper I go. the voices get quieter and only the wind blows. reaching to grab a hold . Its presence a constant change. a key to my salvation ,the awakening I demand. patient and limber ,quiet and still my soul is still awaiting to climb over this rocky hill......

The Storm

My heart beats violently for you.
A tornado ripping through the silent plains of the belly of my soul.
 It passes through the veins of my being, funneling to and fro from one direction to the next.
kicking up remnants of damage long forgotten.
Leaving it behind as it falls scattered through out the wake of its passing.
What a beautiful destruction is what I think, as I follow behind, collecting the things which are mine .
My heart starts to slow as the storm passes and I wait.
I wait in anticipation for the uncontrollable beat to  start again.
I wait for the funnel to form .
I wait so I can once again collect the pieces of me that scatter with your passing .
I wait because the storm is so beautiful and full of more life then I could have ever imagined.
Ill wait till the storm breaks through my soul and there is nothing left to collect.

What if and what if

The things that I ponder,
like a cool breeze I can feel you
but I cant grab ahold.

What is all this that I'm feeling?

The grass is always greener,
is what they all say.
But what if it was purple,
yellow,or grey?

What if all the world was red?
Like bleeding hearts waiting to be fed.
Love is slipping in the shaft
we all created , we went to fast...

What if all my skin was broken.
Listless cells attacked by misfortune,
but what if it was soft as silk.
floating petals , mothers milk.

Am I just a girl lost
in the fold?
Or am I a wonder
waiting to behold?

What if I'm neither?
What if I am ?
What if I'm just a piece to fill in ?

Like sharp rays of sunshine,
I tried to get in.
But you wouldn't let me
The lights are all dim.

What if I'm going?
what if I stayed?
Did you even notice the love that I gave?

what if I'm going ,
what if I stayed?
What ifs and what ifs
are all you can say,
but please pay attention,
and open your eyes as my back turns in silence to silently cry
Waves of emotion I hope that you see washing away 14 years of you and me

Freedom

We whisper it in little ones ears
we've cradled it throughout human years.
We watch it from every television set,
we murder and plunder for it without any regret.
We shout it from microphones, newspapers, parades,
we kill little children in freedoms good name

Women are slaves to women they see upon every cover of every magazine.
Men are no different,lost in their pride, usually going along for the ride.
Our children are victims of the freedom thats here,
their value determined by the clothes that they wear.

Politicians are laughing at us all from afar,
as we rave about freedom behind invisible bars.

It's freedom thats killing our friends overseas,
this idea of freedom that spreads like disease,
this idea of freedom we have isnt free.
If we could just open our eyes and see.

Freedom is the laughter you share with a friend.
Freedom is the tears you cry at the end.
Freedom is the music that fills up the soul.
Freedom is our children climbing out of this hole.
Freedom is knowing your mind is set free.
Freedom is feeling the cool winter breeze.


It can not be taken, forced, or bought,
it can't even thrive without individual thought.
It can not be lived in a group as a whole,
but grow within each individual soul.


freedom

In this hand

In this hand my skin is filled with a symbol of our human guilt.

This symbol we are taught to see with eyes of reverence and jubilee.

This symbol that I hold with care strips us down until were bare.

This symbol worshipped with religous thought is simply a symbol of what we are not.

We are neither humble,selfless or empty of greed. We are lustful and sensless.Filled with petty human need.

We wait for a sign with this symbol of proof that something is coming to reveal some hidden truth.

I find this all funny since what I hold in my hand is simply some plastic put together by man.

walking on a rainbow

Walking On a Rainbow

Love of my life why do you irritate me so!?

 
 Love of my life why do you irritate me so? Why do you insist on going grocery shopping with me? On a normal shopping excursion I go alone to avoid unnecessary irritation,public beatings,shopping cart assaults and the sudden urge to publicly bellow out a plethora of obscenities every time I hear the phrases "can I get this" or "are we done yet". I also go alone to limit over spending as much as I can considering you and the 3 heathens living in the room next door insist on testing not only the limitations of my patience but of your stomachs as well. Which leads me to the rest of the reason I go alone and late at night at that.