NAILED IT!!

   Hello all , today I was sitting pondering my mornings. The reason being is my wonderful therapist says "I have no routine, get a routine going".  Now I'll remind you all I have 3 heathen boys. Heathen 1 is 9, heathen  2 is 11 and heathen 3 is 16. I do take into great consideration that my therapist is like 26.No children, never been married.. at the time of her suggestion I'm sitting there nodding my head like one of those car bobbling things people put on there dash board;I cant for the life of me understand why they think those things are cool or cute there fucking creepy looking. Anyways so here I am now a nodaholic while nut doc is telling me how I can use charts and have a reward goal board and by the time the session is over I'm energized and ready to get me and the heathens on a schedule!!

Yep that pretty much explains it all

Now about half way to work I'm thinking of this great "charting" plan of nut docs and it hits me. WTF! we have a routine Damn it!! Where the fuck am I going to find time to organize and make a behavior chart, a chore chart, a consequence chart, a lets add more shit to your day chart and lets not forget the reward board which really equates to paying and or bribing your kid to behave. Which I might add I do often since public beatings are now frowned upon.

It says most societies not all...heheheh

I'm lucky if I have time to piss undisturbed now I'm supposed to make time to chart behavior ! what ever happened to a good old fashion harmless ass whooping we all got when were were young? I don't recall my mother having a chart. I do however recall her having a shoe,wooden spoon, a ruler and several other implements within reach that clearly left no room to bullshit our way out of what we already knew deserved nothing less then an ass whooping. Yes even at 9 we clearly understood. Why did we understand,because the ass whooping we got made sure we understood.we were left with two choices try and be slicker at our antics and risk the beating or cut the shit because the ability to sit down became more appealing. I promise you any ass whooping me and my siblings received was rightfully deserved.

Now I understand some off you may be morally offended. You are either A. childless B. have only 1 child or C. New parents gooing and gagaing over your little bundle of joy. I promise you by the time they hit 5 "bundle of joy" will not be the words running through your head when JR. there throws a temper tantrum in the middle of the grocery store over that god damn giant gumball machine!! By the people who made those and put those in places like grocery stores are fucking sadists that need a flogging or two right along with JR there screeching on the floor like a banshee ..anyways I'm veering off topic here ... back to my schedule nut-doc thought I didn't have .

You know you have been there denial is a fickle mistress muahhah

    Since charts and reward jars and stars and what gay ass nonsense you need to buy in order to "appropriately schedule your day with your little beasts ,oh and I cant forget to mention the 'time out" stop light" Have you people seen those?! its a 50 to $100 stop light to let your kid know when time out is over?? A FUCKING STOP LIGHT PEOPLE!!  Look I promise maybe 5% of kids in the world would respond to that kind of "discipline" and those kids grow up getting their asses beat anyway in school. So go right ahead and with your charts and stop lights timers whatever. your kid is still getting an ass whooping either from you directly or indirectly in his/her near future from his peers because mom and dad used a freaking stop light  and charts.

Anyways as I said before I do have a schedule. It may be a tad unconventional but its realistic and fits me and my boys. Maybe though just for laughs ill buy that stop light just to see the look on one of the heathens faces when I explain once the light hits green dear you can go and I hope you learned something watching the lights go from red to green.. {insert sarcasm here]  anyways here is my schedule for the time being. It changes from time to time depending on how the heathens are trending at the moment.

• alarm goes off at 5:30 am
• 5:35 heathen 3 hits snooze
• heathens 3 and 2 start stirring at 5:45
• 6:00 heathen 1 is up making some weird ogre sound. I'm  making coffee, brain is not quite awake
• 6:15 Heathen 1 is in the bathroom I'm still making my coffee brain still isn't quite on yet. 
• 6:20,Now this is when the morning really starts! the morning skinny jean war begins!

Now I'm gonna pause here a bit and tell you the details of this morning ritual between heathen 3 and 2

6:30 :heathen 2 blasts through bedroom door flying into kitchen: " MOOOOOOM" "MOOOOM"
6:35 brain is awake now.
6:36 heathen 3 comes flying out right behind heathen 2  pissed." Mom hes not wearing my skinny jeans there mine and i said no so then he pushed me and then I hit him back and then he tried choking me and those are my skinny jeans! and then he threw my book bag and those are MY skinny jeans!"

oohh how true it is

Heathen 2; " no no no no let me tell you what happened he said I could wear them if he could wear my shoes and then I said no you made a deal"..

Heathen 3;"No your a liar! there my skinny jeans and you pushed me and making faces at me so now your not wearing them cause their mine!"

Heathen 2: "you made a deal! I'm wearing them and I already have them on so try and take em off me and see what happens!"

Heathen 3: "noo you said and those are mine you have your own skinny jeans and mom those are mine so make him take them off because those are mine you know those are mine so give me my skinnies brat!"

Now at some point my mind has wondered to  how many times heathen 3 said "those are my skinny jeans "  I'm sure hes beaten yesterday mornings record...after contemplating that sipping my coffee, you people really cant think I can even interject with out at least having one cup of coffee do you?

 Trust me its to their benefit I make that cup priority.. 

OK so the am drama ,which is right on schedule continues but  now I'm ready to interject with the same response I always have as if on "schedule"

6:38:  Me; "Skylar stop making faces Cole stop screaming Skylar wears the skinny jeans Cole you wear the shoes lets go, Chop Chop"
Heathen 2 " (eye roll teeth sucking in) "you never do anything to Cole he always gets his way brat!"
Me: "um what jeans do you have on"?
Heathen 2; "The black skinny jeans"
Me ; whose are they?"
Heathen 2; Cole's!!
annnd what exactly am I missing here because the fight was over you being able to wear them right?
heathen 2; yeah but he said I couldn't!!

See heathen 2 is 11 at 11 it doesn't matter what ya give them they will have a problem with it they will complain and bitch and step on that last nerve of yours for no other reason then them being your kid. Kids, although we love them regard less, they are manipulative little blood sucking leeches and its our job to  nip this little annoying oddity out of them swiftly or suffer embarrassment  seeing Jr there on channel 2 news in 10 or so years.

6:45 heathen 3 kicks heathen 2...heathen 2 kicks him back. now neither little heathens got a good kick because the skinny jeans their wearing restricts  a tremendous amount of movement. of course I should be angry, I could interject however Its to fucking funny watching them try and fight when there legs can barely move hahaha! hey don't judge me. what I do do is get my phone out and video tape it because yes folks its that funny. so come to think of it I do have kind of a rewards chart!!

                                                         NAILED IT!!!
   
                             keep your crap up and I swear ill face book these videos every where!!

OK These aren't my kids but what a fucking brilliant idea !!

 I have been neglectful these days of my "digital life". Some of my Google friends have moved on to more reliable Google groupies while others have surprisingly picked up right where we left off  filling the Google void made from months of my disruptive absence. Its not as if I meant to go Poof into the digital horizon but Real life tends to happen people!!  Hmm Real life as opposed to a fake digital life? I think not my fellow digital dipping junkies!

These days your "real life" IS your digital and some of us can flawlessly blend digital and tangible together into one brilliant social sphere. I however can only blend fits of panic with comical OCD while trying to load the car up with either A) screaming children or B)groceries or C) Groceries ,screaming kids and if OCD and panic blend smoothly together we can forget about the possibility of leaving one in the parking lot ;Timothy that never happened in the Walmart parking lot while your father was going on about the good deal on cassette tapes he got. No I was not distracted by the fact that cassettes were already obsolete then and we didn't even have a tape deck and your father spent over 50 bucks on that crap and at the time that might as well have been a million.
       [insert foot note here because I haven't a clue how to add the little number thingy you see in books] I didn't actually leave my son in the parking lot. It was the carriage and we only pulled half way out the parking space before we noticed and it was all his FATHERS FAULT.

 I'm not very fluid with blending my "Real life" and "online life" together. I cant seem to manage both at the same time while trying to maintain some sliver of sanity so we don't have little mishaps that my son Timothy NEVER experienced. I tend to dive wholeheartedly into one or the other allowing less manic qualities to take the wheel to only one of my lives.. The minute Both worlds collide right back to manic with a sprinkle of turrets for good measure. How do you manage to manage both worlds that are so similar but completely different !?

 I've also noticed  being in relation with people online is different in the respect that you can be, in some sense, a different person or less reserved and more out going.. For example: Brent the athlete who just moved and is looking for a friend but is really bubba the redneck whose idea of being an athlete is watching jackass and reenacting it with his buddies. A creeper that weighs in at 300 lbs. Whose name is Garth  but online hes jenny the 5'6  model with a 24" waist ready to make your fantasies come true!! la la la!!!!

 I just realized by rereading what i just typed that it isn't that much different. Shit.

~Walking on my rainbow~

Walking on my rainbow

Holding holy hands

Visions of the falling leaves

                        

                                                                                   

While the sun begins to set

Butterflies they flutter on

Through space and endless time

To land upon my tender hands and be forever mine.